


A Very Gundam Christmas

by orphan_account



Series: A Very Gundam Arc [2]
Category: Gundam Wing
Genre: AU, Crack, F/M, Fluff and Humor, M/M, Non Graphic Sexual Situations
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-11-25
Updated: 2015-12-12
Packaged: 2018-05-03 05:31:58
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,612
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5278574
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s Christmas time and it’s Duo and Hilde’s turn to host the holiday festivities.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Duo: 1, Goose: 0

_December 21st, AC 201, 6:00am, L2 Colony Cluster..._

Duo Maxwell stood hunched over in his kitchen trying to interpret the instructions he'd downloaded off the internet on how to roast a goose. It was like reading a foreign language. Holy hell, but this was complicated. The schematics on how to build a Gundam were easier to understand than this! 

The braided man lowered the sheet of paper in his hand and stared balefully at the featherless, headless goose carcass. Quatre had made it look so easy. Not that Duo didn't know how to prepare a meal. He was ace at making burgers, spaghetti, and meatloaf with mashed potatoes. Sonnets and ballads had been written about his grilling skills...okay, maybe not, but they were freakin' stellar. But when it came to more refined cooking, Duo was at a bit of a loss. 

He picked up the instructions again. Clean and dress the bird... _Oookaaay_. He lowered the sheet again and looked the goose over. He shrugged. Looked clean to him. He went on to the next step.  _Dress?_   Oh, and apparently there were... _things_...that needed to be removed from _inside_ the bird prior to cooking. Duo groaned. Why did he sign up for this again?

Setting the instructions down, he reached up into the cupboard to grab a flashlight. Bending down, he tentatively pulled a footless leg aside with a thumb and one finger and aimed the beam of light inside the cavity of the bird. 

Duo valiantly suppressed his gag reflex as he peered inside the goose. The white ridges of the bird's rib cage were visible. The inside of the cavity was lined with a thin white membrane. Bits of flesh and gristle hung in random places from the top of the cavern. Duo's stomach rebelled and he almost lost his cookies. But he spotted a white plastic bag and a long, disgusting looking piece of flesh that could only be the neck, sitting inside. At least he _hoped_ it was the neck.

He shuddered. Was he _really_ going to stick his hand in there? 

He fought the temptation to ask his wife to do it for him. He knew what the answer would be. _Hell, no!_ Hilde didn't do cooking. It just wasn't her bag. 

"Okay, Maxwell, get a grip. You fought in two wars. You got this."

Bracing himself, Duo mumbled a "Sorry, pal, nothing personal," to the goose and plunged his hand inside the bird. The cold, slimy flesh and rigid cartilage scraped across the back of his hand and he cringed. His lips curled away from his teeth. "Ugh, oh God, oh Jesus, _ugh_!" His stomach twisted as his fingers closed around the cold, wet bag of giblets and the slimy neck of the goose. He was convinced that whoever was responsible for preparing birds for people's holiday dinners was a sadistic prick.

This was how Hilde found her husband on that fateful morning. 

She stepped into the kitchen in her robe and fuzzy slippers, ruffling her short hair. She stopped at the doorway when she saw her husband standing there, hand buried wrist deep up a dead's goose's ass. His head was turned to the side. His face was contorted with repulsion and he shuddered and groaned at this most deplorable of tasks. 

Hilde pressed her hand over her mouth to suppress a laugh. God, she wished she had a camera. Wufei would have a field day. The Chinese man would probably have the photo framed and placed on his desk at Preventer's Headquarters where he could laugh at it while he worked.

Duo finally got a hold of whatever the hell he was trying to get and yanked his hand out of the goose carcass with a triumphant, _"Aha!"_ Then he stared at his gooey hand and winced. _"Ewwww!"_

Hilde snickered and Duo looked up. He graced her with one of his trademark lopsided grins. "Mornin' babe."

"Having fun, honey?" 

" _Bah_. Piece of cake." He grinned toothily and dropped the sticky burden into the trash. He turned to the sink to wash his hands with a groan of relief. 

Hilde eyed the bird with a smidgen of unease. "You sure you know what you're doing?"

"Relax, babe. I've got instructions here and Quat gave me some tips. I think I can manage."

"Okay, okay. I trust you." 

She kissed him and padded to the coffee pot to pour herself a cup. She watched her husband arrange the goose on the roasting pan, sipping her coffee. He had wanted to fry it, but Hilde had put her foot down. She'd heard too many horror stories about deep fried bird accidents.

"Boy, I sure miss those exotic Middle Eastern coffee beans Quatre had."

"Yeah. Those Arabs know how to grow 'em." 

Hilde nodded absently and shuffled to the refrigerator. Her slippers scuffed along the linoleum. Opening the door, she grabbed a cup of yogurt. She swiped a spoon out of the silverware drawer and went to the table to eat. 

Duo finished wrestling with the goose and turned the pan so she could see his _tour de force._

"What'cha think?"

"I think it needs to be cooked first."

"Har har. You're a riot." 

"I try." 

"Did you get those orders over to Howard yet?"

"Yeah, I pushed 'em through last night. He's checking the inventory."

"Nice to finally get that big fat check from Tilden Mining the other day."

Hilde nodded. "I was a little worried we were going to have to start implementing aggressive measures just to get paid."

Duo sniggered. "You were _worried_ about that?"

His wife grinned mischievously, a wicked gleam in her eye. "Actually, I was looking forward to playing mook for you."

Duo threw his head back and cackled. "You really know how to turn me on, babe!" 

Hilde winked saucily. She got up, tossed her empty yogurt container into the rubbish bin and placed her spoon in the sink. She smacked her husband on the ass as she walked to the table to grab her coffee. "I'm going to shower."

"Mmmm." Duo hummed absently. He set the oven to "preheat" and went about melting a stick of butter in a small saucepan on one of the stove's burners. Quatre had been adamant about basting. _Baste, plenty, and often, Duo. Every thirty minutes. Then cover the bird with foil while it cooks. After a couple of hours, there will be enough juice to continue basting without needing more butter._

Theoven beeped indicating it was ready. Duo brushed melted butter over the goose's skin and tore a large sheet of aluminum foil off its roll. He wrapped it tightly around the edges of the pan and slid it inside the oven. 

Whistling an off-tune version of Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer, Duo walked to the small coat closet located by the front door and pulled out his boots. He had to clear the front yard up a little and make it presentable for his friends' arrival.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks so much for reading. All the love!


	2. Let The Festivities Begin!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hilde invokes the spirit of Martha Stewart. Duo's goose is looking to be a success. Sexy times happen, and Howard arrives with his lady!

Duo and Hilde's home was a modest dwelling located on one of the L2 colony clusters whose orbit swung past the outer surface of the moon. Due to their limited space, colony architecture was built up instead of out. The couple's home rose three stories in a narrow building on the end of a cul-de-sac surrounded by maple trees. The yard was large and shady and currently dotted with machine parts and scraps of metal. A large, steel, barn-like structure stood behind the house and contained the more expensive pieces. A highly advanced security system, designed by long-time engineering friend, Howard, surrounded the perimeter of the property. It worked beautifully in keeping thieves away from the valuable metals by violently shocking, but not permanently harming, intruders. It worked like a souped up taser. It was also virtually tamper-proof. 

The home itself was covered in dark brown shaker siding. The windows were flanked by light green shutters. A brick walkway led up to the front door from the long, winding drive which was lined on both sides by trees. Brick steps led up to a small porch. It was just big enough for two chairs. They were placed on either side of the front door that was painted a pale green, matching the shutters. The chairs were a wooden Adirondack style and also painted green. A small awning provided shelter over the space. Next to the porch, a small five by three foot slot was covered in rich soil and dead maple leaves. It served as Hilde's vegetable garden in the summer. Now, a white rattan sleigh stood in its place. A Santa at the helm and eight reindeer stood in front of it. The strips were wound together to form the festive display and was outlined with colorful twinkle lights. 

A large evergreen wreath hung over the front door, decorated with red and gold glass bulbs. A small banner was pinned diagonally across the front that read _Merry Christmas!_ Three foot tall plastic candy canes were placed along the edge of the walkway every two feet. A string of colored lights linked them together. 

At the end of the driveway, near the road, a hand-painted mailbox was festively decorated. The post was wrapped with pine garland and lights. Duo had also seen fit to hot glue a plastic Santa on top of the box. Hilde had pitched a fit, hollering that when he took the Santa off, it would peel the paint she'd so painstakingly decorated it with. Duo promised if that happened, he would see to it that it looked as good as new.

The house had three bedrooms and two baths. All three bedrooms and one of the bathrooms was located on the third floor. The second floor housed a large living room and small office. The ground floor featured a moderately sized kitchen with space for a table, the second bathroom, and a utility room for the furnace, water heater, and laundry machines. 

The previous day, Hilde had prepared the three bedrooms for the arrival of their guests, including their own. She'd cleaned them all and made the beds up nicely. The covers turned down invitingly, the way she'd seen in pictures of home and garden magazines. She stocked both bathrooms with oodles of towels, individually wrapped soaps, and tiny bottles of shampoo. They were placed in cute little baskets on top of the counters next to the sinks. 

She and Duo were going to sleep on the two sofas in their living room, giving up their room to Heero and Relena for the night. Trowa and Quatre, and Wufei and Sally would stay in the spare rooms. While Heero and Relena would only be staying one night, the other four would be there for two. Tomorrow, the couple would head back to Sanq to spend Christmas with Relena's brother, Milliardo, his wife, Lucrezia, her niece, Mae, and her new baby nephew, Richard. Lucrezia had gone into labor the night of December 14th and delivered a healthy baby boy a few hours later. 

Trowa and Quatre would head out to the L3 colony cluster the following day to spend the holiday with Trowa's sister, Catherine, and her husband, James. Wufei and Sally would be expected back at Preventers and would probably spend a quite Christmas together, doing whatever it was the two of them did. Neither had copped to their relationship yet, but it seemed pretty solid. 

Their friend, Howard, would also be joining them for the day. He was apparently also bringing a date. Someone Duo and Hilde hadn't met yet. Duo had teased him when Howard asked if he could bring a "lady friend". Hilde slapped her husband upside the head, but it was all in good fun. Howard was well accustomed to Duo's ways and took the friendly ribbing with good humor. Howard lived only a few miles away so Hilde didn't need to make overnight accommodations for him.

She finished up her shower and wrapped a blue towel around her dripping hair. She slipped her robe back on and padded to her bedroom closet to grab some clothes. She pulled a pair of jeans out and a dark blue tee shirt. Sitting down on the edge of the bed, she slipped her sneakers on and went back to the bathroom, pulling the towel off her head and hanging it on a nearby hook. She combed her wet hair and fluffed her fingers through the blue-black strands. Then she headed downstairs to see how her husband was fairing. 

She found him in the kitchen again, studiously basting the goose, just as Quatre told him to. She smiled fondly as his face took on a look of serious concentration. He was just too cute. She stepped up behind him as he straightened to set the brush down and wrapped her arms around his middle. She rested her chin on his shoulder.

"How's it going?"

"Good, I think. Seems to be coming along nicely."

"Smells good already. I can't wait. You'll make Quatre proud."

Duo chuckled. "I'll be his star poultry protege." He closed his warm hands over hers. "Howard will be here in an hour."

"We've got plenty of time."

Duo turned and pulled her into his arms, kissing her lips. His hands slid down her back to cup her buttocks as he slipped his tongue into her mouth. Hilde moaned. "Shall we go upstairs?"

"After you."

They ran up the stairs like two excited kids and made the most of the next hour. 

* * *

 

Hilde was just finishing up remaking the bed when Howard and his lady arrived. She walked down the two flights of stairs to greet them hello. Duo was embracing his friend, slapping the older man on the back. Then he turned to introduce himself to Howard's girlfriend, shaking her hand and then pulling her into a warm hug. Always the friendly one, Duo went out of his way to make those around him happy and comfortable.

Hilde hugged Howard and then did the same with their new guest. Howard had introduced her as Janice. She looked to be about his age with curly, red hair that reached her shoulders. Her blue eyes were big and friendly as she told them with enthusiasm how great it was to finally meet them and how Howard was always talking about them. She had a fuller figure and ample breasts. Her red sweater hugged her curves in a flattering way and her ivory slacks were nicely pressed. 

Hilde took her coat as well as Howard's. Howard, of course, donned a Hawaiian shirt, much like the kind he always wore. The short-sleeved linen fabric was white and covered in green palm trees. His trademark sunglasses perched on his nose.

While Duo and Howard headed back outside to finish cleaning up the yard, Hilde took Janice to the kitchen and offered her something to drink. With mugs of hot coffee in their hands, they walked up the stairs to the living room to chat.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! All the love!


	3. Legalities Schmegalities

Duo and Howard were just pulling the last piece of scrap metal behind the house when the others showed up. Their cabs crept up the long, gravel drive and stopped in front of the house. Coming from Earth, they all traveled on the same shuttle. Duo brushed his hands on his pants and jogged over to greet them.

Heero and Relena stepped out first and Duo hugged them with his usual excitability. The cabbie popped the trunk lock and Duo was blinded by brightly wrapped packages of red, green, gold, and silver. They were all different sizes and shapes. The trunks on the other two cabs were opened and more gifts were revealed.  _Good grief, will we be able to fit all these presents under the tree?_

Howard was vigorously shaking Heero and Trowa's hands, happy to see them after so long. He chatted them up as Hilde rushed out the door. She embraced everyone and ushered them inside after helping with their bags and the abundance of gifts.

Hilde introduced them to Janice, while Duo stashed the coats in the utility room. They took the luggage up to the third floor and brought the gifts into the living room on the second, setting them along one wall.

"Yeah, uh, we're going to go get the tree in a bit. Then we'll have something to put all these presents under. Though I'm not sure we'd be able to fit all these even under the biggest tree!" Duo flushed at his friends' generosity.

"Really, guys, you shouldn't have brought all these!" Hilde was rather floored herself.

Quatre tutted. "Don't be silly! Christmas comes only once a year and Relena and I had a blast shopping for everyone!" He was pink-cheeked from excitement and from the chill in the air. He looked cozy warm in a pale gray cable knit sweater that brought out the green-blue color of his eyes and his blond curls had grown out a bit. He smiled wanly and it gave Duo the impression of a cherubic woodland elf. All that was missing was the pointy ears.

Trowa filled out his black turtleneck quite nicely. Then again, he always did. He had the body of a gladiator and Duo was always slightly jealous that he couldn't seem to build up that kind of solid physique that seemed to come so easily to his friend. Trowa had always been the tallest and he remained so. His height finally settled at a respectable six foot two, just slightly taller than Duo himself. His brown hair was trimmed shorter in the front, but still quite long. The bulk of it was tucked behind his right ear.

In contrast, his husband had stayed the smallest of the group. Quatre grew only a few more inches in late adolescence and settled at a mere five foot six. His body was still tiny with narrow shoulders and soft curves. It was almost funny how visibly different the two were, especially when they stood next to each other.

Heero had finally given up the spandex and tank top he'd been so fond of as a teenager. Duo was grateful, but he also missed ribbing him about it. Now, standing five foot eight, he was looking rather snazzy in jeans and a blue button down shirt. His dark brown hair was neatly combed, but prone to its natural tendency to tousle. His ocean blue eyes were still sharper than Gundanium nails. The mind behind it always working, analyzing, calculating. His ability to read people was uncanny. Duo liked to refer to him as The Human Lie Detector.

Wufei still looked the same, only taller. His Manchu clothing was immaculate. No spots, or wrinkles as far as the eye could see. The fabric was embroidered with the traditional Chinese dragon in rich hues of black, dark green, and blue. His black hair was still shoulder length and tied back the way he'd worn it for years. Sally was similarly dressed. Her dragon robe was beautifully embroidered with intricate patterns and stitched with pearls and glass beads. Her pleated hair was pinned back in the front.

Wufei was as haughty as ever. "You haven't gotten the tree yet?"

Duo scratched his nose and shook his head. "Huh uh. I thought we'd go together, y'know? Make an adventure out of it."

"I've had more than one lifetime of "adventures" with you, Maxwell." Wufei sniffed.

"Aw, don't be like that! I promise I won't almost kill you this time."

"Oh good. I feel so much better now." Wufei wandered back down the stairs. "You got anything good to drink, or am I stuck with cheap beer and tap water?"

"Don't worry, Fei-Man. I got that tasteless green tea crap you're always drinking."

"It's not  _crap!_ "

* * *

Everyone gathered in the kitchen for drinks and "hor dourves" which consisted of Duo whipping out a box of Saltines and a ball of spreadable cheese, covered in nuts. At Wufei's raised eyebrow, Duo swiped a cracker and spread a glob of the cheese on top. Then he tried to shove the morsel into Wufei's mouth. The result was a rather embarrassing slapping fight that ended up with both Duo and Wufei, and Trowa who broke it up, having cheese spread smeared on their faces and in their hair. Quatre was laughing hysterically as he cleaned his husband off. Hilde grabbed a sticky Duo by the ear and dragged him into the utility room to "have a word" with him. Heero stood, sipping from a beer bottle, and watched from a safe distance, wise enough to not get involved.

Wufei had stormed up the stairs to the spare room he was staying in to change and clean up.

Duo emerged, thoroughly scolded, but not really because he grinned and winked at Quatre, who was still laughing.

"Next time, wait until I have my camera ready. That was pure gold!" Quatre waved his cell phone in the air, chuckling.

"For God's sake, Quat, don't encourage him." Trowa begged as he rubbed his temples. Duo waggled his eyebrows, grinning like the Cheshire cat.

"Boys. Honestly." Relena shook her head and headed up the stairs to the living room.

Hilde followed after a stern, " _Behave_."

Quatre hopped up out of his chair and stepped over to the oven, opening the door. He slid the rack out and peered under the foil. "Wow, this looks great, Duo! Are you basting like I told you to?"

"Yessiree. Every thirty minutes." He pointed to the timer on the counter.

"Sweet."

Heero walked over and stood next to Quatre. He bent down to peek at the bird. Straightening up, he raised an eyebrow at Duo. Geese were rather unheard of on the colonies. Especially L2 and L3. They were outrageously expensive as they were imported from Earth and breeding was kept to a strict minimum.

"Where'd you get the goose?"

Duo shrugged. "I know a guy."

Heero decided not to comment further on Duo's winged contraband.

Quatre set the foil back in place and wandered back to the table. He grabbed Trowa's beer and took a swig. "So when are we getting the tree?"

"I'm ready if you guys are. Soon as Wufei comes back down, we can go."

"Can you and Wufei try to be civil during this trip, please?"

"Relax, Hee-chan. I'll be on my best behavior!"

"Mm." Heero grunted, eyeing their braided friend suspiciously, and left the kitchen.

Quatre and Trowa exchanged nervous glances as they watched Duo cross his fingers behind his back.

Twenty minutes later, Duo passed on the basting responsibilities to Relena. Then he and the boys, plus Howard, hitched a large trailer onto the back of Duo's pickup, then inexplicably defied the laws of physics by cramming themselves into the truck.

"Duo, where exactly are we going?" Trowa asked after the pickup passed yet another Christmas tree lot.

Duo took one hand off the wheel to wave it dismissively. " _Bah_. Those trees are for chumps. We're heading to the great wilderness to get a  _real_  tree...Well, as close as one can get to the wilderness on a colony."

Quatre's eyes were huge. " _Duo!_  That's - that's  _illegal!_ "

" _Pffft._  Whatever..."


	4. Stealthy We Are Not

Duo parked the truck as inconspicuously as anyone with a pickup truck and a giant trailer on the back of it could park in a forest full of pine trees. Which was not very inconspicuous. Hopefully the Rangers,  _Tree Police_ , as Duo called them, wouldn't see it, or them. It wasn't reassuring.

They grabbed saws, axes, picks, and spades out of the tailgate and trudged up the first of several steep hills, in search of "the perfect tree".

"What exactly  _is_  "the perfect tree", Maxwell?" Wufei griped. He dragged a pick along the snow, leaving a thin trail in its wake.

"We'll know it when we see it, Fei-Man."

"Stop calling me that!"

"Would you two shut  _up_." Heero barked.

Duo rolled his eyes and Wufei huffed, but they both kept quiet. They climbed the hill in companionable silence until a loud  _crack_  resounded off the snow coated hills and Heero suddenly disappeared from view.

"Oh, shit!" Duo exclaimed.

"Heero!" Quatre ran to the spot they'd last seen him and peered down into a rather large hole. Either an animal, or a trapper had covered it with sticks and branches and the snow had hidden it from view.

"Son of a - god  _damnit!_ "

"Heero, you okay?" Quatre called down to him. The others joined him and looked down to see their Japanese friend sprawled out on his back, covered in snow and broken twigs.

He sat up gingerly. "Aw damn...yeah, I think so, ah  _shit!_ "

"What is it? What hurts?"

"...My ass."

Duo burst out laughing, falling back into a snow bank. "Oh, shit. Heero, I've never heard you swear like that before. Oh, man, this is funny shit!"

Heero glared up through the hole in the ground. "Shut up, Duo."

"Hang on, Heero, we'll get you out of there." Thank goodness Trowa was there, otherwise Heero probably would have spent the night in this pit.

Howard pulled a long length of rope out of his pack and handed it to Trowa, who tied one end to the trunk of a sturdy tree a few feet away. He dropped the other end into the hole and together they pulled the dark haired man up and out.

Duo was still chuckling as Heero brushed himself off. Heero shot him a dirty look.

Quatre chided the amused man. "Honestly, Duo. Would you want us to laugh if that happened to you?"

"Oh, c'mon, Quat. You don't think listening to Heero curse like a drunken sailor was hilarious?"

A tiny grin cracked the blond's concerned visage. "That was pretty funny. Ah, sorry, Heero."

"Hn." Heero stalked away, stomping through the snow, Wufei and Howard following close behind.

Trowa shot Duo and Quatre a stern look. Quatre shrugged helplessly, and the three shuffled behind at a rather sedate pace. A snicker escaping Duo every now and then.

"Hey, Hee-Chan! No worries, man. I'll get you a nice ice pack for your sore ass when we get home!"

* * *

After two hours of asking, "What about this one?" and "What about that one?" followed by Duo's, "No," "No," and "Nope," the braided man finally stopped. He turned and hollered right into Wufei's ear.

"That's it! That's the one!"

"Christ, Maxwell, no need to shout. We're all standing right here." Wufei winced and rubbed his ear.

Duo was pointing at a rather large Spruce. They all stared at him, gobsmacked.

"Duo, that thing's at least thirty feet tall!" Quatre was looking at him as if he'd grown two heads.

"Meh, twenty five."

"Maxwell, no way in hell am I cutting that monstrous thing down and dragging it back to the truck."

"Aw, it's not so bad. Like Quat said, Christmas only comes once a year, am I right?"

"Don't drag  _me_  into this!"

"Duo, even if we did manage to get it on the trailer, it would never even fit through your front door." Trowa, bless him. Always the voice of reason.

"But, guys -"

Heero added his two cents. "Duo, no. Find something smaller. We are not dragging that thing back to your house."

Duo glanced at Howard. The older man shook his head. "Sorry, kid. I'm too old to be carrying something that heavy around."

Duo sulked. "Fine. Buzzkills." He wandered several feet away, looking around. After a few minutes, he pointed to another. "There. That one make you guys happy?"

It was a ten footer, give or take. Still big, but manageable.

Heero looked at the other four. After receiving nods and shrugs of acceptance, he said, "Fine. Let's get this over with."

They set to work cutting the tree down and wrapping it with rope. After the branches were secured to the trunk, they pulled it along the ground towards Duo's pickup. They just managed to get the tree in the trailer and tie it down when Howard hissed a curse.

The others followed his line of sight and spotted a marked vehicle driving up the winding hillside road. The lights were flashing. A decal on the side of the SUV read,  _L2 Forest Ranger._

"Ohhh _, shit!"_ Was Duo's helpful input.

They all looked at him desperately. Duo's eyes darted from one man to the next.

"Um... _run._ "

* * *

The ladies were currently sitting at the kitchen table, sharing embarrassing stories over glasses of Merlot.

Sally was hunched over in her chair, laughing so hard, she began snorting. "Oh my God, you should see Wufei when we're having sex. He makes the most painful faces. The first few times I had to ask him if he was okay. He got so mad at me, he didn't speak to me for days!"

Hilde threw her head back, cackling hysterically. "Duo sounds like a damn moose when he orgasms. I swear it! I always have to make sure the windows are closed whenever we do it because I'm afraid the neighbors will think we're torturing animals over here!"

"Howard wears those stupid sunglasses to bed! I asked him to take them off once and he was like, "No, they're a part of me."

The kitchen erupted in peals of laughter.

Relena hid her giggles behind her hand. This kind of talk was still rather new to her, but she could admit it was a lot of fun, too. "So are you guys together, or what?"

Sally shrugged. "Yeah, I suppose so. I mean, we're not seeing anyone else. You know how Wufei is. He thinks he's above silly human emotions like love."

Janice snickered. "Really?"

"Yeah, well. I don't mean to make him sound like a jerk, though he can be one at times. He's just very reserved and traditional. Both of us were brought up in cultures where sexuality was repressed. Arranged marriages and all that. And  _definitely_  no sex before marriage. He's still trying to reconcile that one with himself. I keep telling him he's not doing anything wrong. Maybe I'm getting through to him. It's hard to tell sometimes."

"And how are things going with you and Howard?" Relena asked Janice, bringing her wineglass up to her lips.

"Oh, they're good. Howie's very laid back, y'know? He just likes to have fun. So do I. I guess that's why we get along so well. That and he's great in the sack!" Janice winked, earning another round of giggles.

"What about you and Heero? Will there be wedding bells this spring?"

Relena nodded. "Yes, as long as nothing impedes our plans. Milliardo says it's befitting that we get married at the cathedral, but I want to take my vows at the beach. I want casual with close friends and family. I really don't need a big to do."

"Unfortunately, your position in Parliament requires it." Sally said.

"Maybe have two ceremonies. One with all the bells and whistles for the public, and then have the real one the way you want." Hilde suggested.

"That's exactly what I'm planning on doing. Two weddings will be a hassle, but it's necessary if I want to do it my way."

Janice smiled at her. "Well, that's what wedding planners are for! They do all the work. You just tell them what to do and hand over the check."

Relena laughed. "Yes, that's true."

The kitchen phone rang suddenly and Hilde got up to answer.

"Hello? Ye - Duo? Duo, what's going on? Where are you? Did you ge - what?  _What?!_  Duo Maxwell! What. Did. You.  _Do?!_ "


	5. Here Comes the Calvary

Wufei was two seconds away from either shoving his head through the concrete wall, or strangling Duo with his own braid. He leaned back against the wall of the holding cell and bumped the back of his head against the cement bricks, gritting his teeth as he listened to Duo's somber singing.  _  
_

" _Nooobody knooows the trouble I've seeeen. Nooobody knooows, but Jeeesuuusss. Nooobody knooows the trouble I've seeeen...Gloooory Hal -"_

"Maxwell, I swear to Christ if you don't shut up, I'm going to rip out your vocal chords with my bare hands."

"...Could you at least buy me a drink first, Chang?"

The Chinese man shot up to follow through on his threat before Heero planted a hand on his shoulder and eased him back down on the bench. "Let's not make this worse, okay?" He turned to Quatre on the opposite bench. "How is he?"

Quatre glanced up, his fingers pausing in their ministrations of soothingly brushing through his husband's hair. Trowa was laid out on the bench with his head in the blond's lap, groaning in pain. He'd been tased while trying to protect Quatre from being manhandled by the arresting officers. "He's been better."

Wufei huffed. "I can't believe I'm sitting in some bumpkin jail cell on L2 like a common criminal."

Duo lethargically lolled his head in Wufei's direction. "Think of it as an enriching experience, Fei-Man. Enriching experiences add character." He whipped out a harmonica from God knows where and started playing a soulful tune. 

Without a word, Heero reached over, grabbed the harmonica, and crushed it in his fist. He brushed the remnants off his hands onto the floor and glared at Duo. "You're not helping." 

"Well, what else am I supposed to do? I'm just as much a victim of the establishment as you guys are."

"Call your wife."

Duo cringed. "I'd rather spend the rest of my life in prison." 

Heero gave him a warning look. "Duo."

"Oh, c'mon, Heero! She's going to kill me! She's going to rip my balls off and feed them to the neighbor's dog!"

"I'd pay good money to see that."

"Shut up, Chang!" 

Heero was now laser-staring at the braided man. Duo gave one last desperate attempt to avoid facing the gallows. "Can't Quatre post bail?"

"I would love to, Duo, but seeing as I'm sitting here in jail with you, that would be impossible."

"What about Relena?"

This time they all turned on him, _"Duo!_ "

" _Ugh..._ Okay, okay!"

The braided man got up and shuffled up to the cell's bars. He glanced at Howard who was already standing there with his head leaning against the steel, his skinny arms looped through the gaps. Duo opened his mouth to suggest he call Janice, but Howard shook his head before Duo could say it. 

"Damn it."

Duo stuck his arm through the bars and flagged the officer seated at a nearby desk. He forced the words past a closing throat. "I'm ready to make my phone call." 

The officer got up and walked over to the cell. He punched in the code to unlock the electronic door and with a buzz, it slid open. Duo followed the officer down the short hallway towards his doom. 

* * *

Hilde stomped down the brick steps of her front porch to her car, already mentally planning her husband's murder and where to hide the body. Sally stopped her before she could get behind the wheel.

"Let me drive. You're too angry right now."

Hilde nodded and walked around to the passenger's side, opening the door and slumping down in the seat. She slammed the door closed. Sally slid in behind the wheel and took the keys from Hilde. The car hummed to life as she turned the ignition and pulled out of the long drive, following Hilde's directions towards the police station.

After the phone call, Relena wired a third of the bail money to Duo and Hilde's account. Quatre would wire another third once he was released from the tank. 

The two women made it to the station and posted the bail, then they were led to the back of the building where the holding cells were. Men in the other cells whistled and cat called them as they walked by. One man was brazen enough to grope Sally's ass as she passed and Sally whipped around, grabbed the man's arm, and twisted it until the bone bent dangerously the wrong way, on the verge of breaking. The cretin howled in pain as Sally calmly lectured him on the importance of respecting women. 

" _Owwww!_ I'm sorry, lady, I'm _sorry!_ "

"You will be if you ever try something like that again." She let him go and turned away, fist-bumping Hilde as they walked to the end of the hall, stopping at the last cell which held the ex-Gundam pilots.

The boys looked up gratefully when Hilde and Sally appeared and the guard unlocked the door. Actually, Duo didn't quite look grateful. He looked condemned. He approached his wife cautiously. "Babe -"

"Don't "babe" me, mister! You're in the dog house right now. I'd make you sleep on the couch tonight, but since we're already doing that, it's pointless."

Duo's head lowered sheepishly. "Sorry, babe."

"What were you _thinking,_ Duo? There's plenty of lots where you could have gotten a nice tree. Why did you need to do this?"

"I wanted to have an adventure with the guys, y'know? I'd thought it'd be great to do the whole chop a tree down in the forest and bring it home thing. I didn't mean any harm by it!" 

Hilde sighed. "Babe, I know you crave that kind of thing, but you can't just go breaking the law like this. We're not criminals anymore!" 

"I know, I'm sorry." Duo at least had the decency to look contrite.

Hilde yanked on his braid. "I suppose I can forgive you. It's not like you did something terrible and I can understand the sentiment behind it." She wagged her finger at him. "But _don't_ pull another stunt like this again, got it?"

"Yes, ma'am." Duo saluted her like an obedient Private. Hilde chuckled and swatted her husband's ass. "You're a total brat, you know that?"

He grinned. "But I'm your brat."

She shook her head and pushed him towards the parking lot. "Yeah, yeah. Get in the car you overgrown delinquent." 

They all crammed into the station wagon and Sally drove them back to the house. 

"Oh, by the way, since you guys already cut the tree down, they're letting us keep it," Sally said. 

Duo's face lit up. "Really?"

Hilde nodded. "Yes, but you're going to have to get your truck and trailer out of impound, and you all have to pay the fine for cutting down the tree."

The boys nodded in agreement. Fair enough. 

They pulled up to the house and spotted one of the Rangers outside delivering the tree. He gave them all a stern lecture about illegally cutting down trees and warned them that there would be stiffer penalties if they ever did it again.

"Cutting down trees is wrong, isn't it, kids?"

"Yes, sir."

"We're not going to do that again, are we, kids?"

"No, sir."

"Good. You guys be good now and enjoy your holiday." The Ranger hopped into his vehicle and drove away.

"Who the hell is he calling a "kid"?" Howard complained.

Sally and Hilde helped Quatre get his husband inside so he could rest and have the taser burns tended to. After a brief explanation, "It's a long story," to a worried Relena and Janice, they got Trowa upstairs to their guest room and eased him down on the bed. Then the women left the two alone, listening to Quatre gently admonish his husband about getting into fisticuffs with police officers, as they closed the door behind them.

Outside, Duo had grabbed some tools out of the shed so he, Heero, Wufei, and Howard could give the tree a rough trimming before taking it inside. Soon, the yard was filled with the sound of buzzing chain saws. 

"I can't believe they let us keep the tree," Wufei said. He cut away some of the excess branches with a hack saw, tossing them over his shoulder. 

Duo shrugged. "What else were they going to do with it? We already cut it down."

"Next year, I vote for the tree lot," Howard announced. 

"I second that," said Heero. 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Trowa! :( He's a level-headed fellow until you mess with his husband, then all bets are off! Thanks for reading, all the love!


	6. Drunkerating

The boys finished up the crude trimming and wrapped the rope back around the tree. They slid it over a tarp and pulled it through the front door, struggling a little to get the large conifer up the stairs.

"Man, I wish Tro was up to helping." Duo puffed.

"I am, actually." Trowa was standing at the top of the landing, looking down at them.

"Trowa, are you sure?" Heero asked.

Quatre's head popped around the corner from the kitchen, a glass of wine in his hand. "He's quite sure. I told him to rest, but he says he's fine. Stubborn as a mule." He scoffed and disappeared around the corner again. Together, the four boys got the tree up into the living room. Howard stood at the bottom and helpfully told them not to drop it. 

They wedged the trunk into a metal stand and Hilde poured a pitcher of water into the bowl at the bottom. "Looks like I'll have to vacuum again," she observed, looking at the pine needles all over the carpet. 

"Bah. No worries, we'll get to that later." Duo bunched up the tarp and tossed it down to Howard. "Hey, Quat!" He shouted down the stairs. "Get the kitchen shears for me?"

"Yeah, yeah," came the blond's grumbling.

"What's with him?" Duo asked Trowa. 

"He'll get over it." Trowa said, shrugging. He left it at that.

"Okay," Duo clapped his hands. "Let's get the show on the road." 

Quatre brought up the scissors, handing them to Duo, and headed back downstairs. Duo cut the binding ropes. A dropping branch nearly took Heero's face off.

"Voila!" Duo shouted.

"Oh, sweetie, it's beautiful! Even if you did poach the thing." Hilde kissed her husband's cheek. "I'm going to see if Relena and Quatre need any help with anything. Don't start without me."

"Wouldn't dream of it, babe." 

They finished up the trimming and took the scraps out to the yard. A short time later, Quatre yelled up the steps, announcing dinner was ready. 

The goose was sitting in the center of the kitchen table, a beautiful golden brown. In addition to that, since Quatre and Relena took over kitchen duties, with the help of Janice, they cooked up a sweet and savory pan of roasted potatoes, carrots, and sweet potatoes, blanched green beans in butter and almond sauce, homemade biscuits, and dutch apple pie. Janice brought over an amazing cranberry Jell-O salad. Red and white wine passed around the table several times and as a result, the feasting group grew louder and more rambunctious. 

Duo proposed a toast to "One hell of a ride!" Everyone raised their glass, echoing with, "Yeah," "Yep," "S'been great," and "Is that what we're calling it?"

Halfway through dinner, Duo opened his mouth, releasing a colossal belch that rattled the windows and Quatre almost fell out of his chair laughing. The blond was quickly drinking himself under the table and when he grabbed the passing wine bottle to pour more into his glass, Trowa yanked it away from him and told him to slow down. Then he leaned over and kissed the pout off his husband's face. 

"You two are so cute," Hilde gushed, her chin in her fist, googly-eyed.

"What about us?" Her husband sulked. 

"We're cute, too." She grabbed his braid, pulling his face close, and kissed his nose. 

"I'll show you how cute I can be later." Duo whispered conspiratorially, though it was louder than he realized. Wufei snorted into his wine glass and choked. Sally reached over and patted his back. 

After supper, they headed up the stairs to "drunkerate" the tree. Quatre cracked up at the Duo-ism and tripped up the stairs. It took approximately three hours, a total of twelve beers, fourteen glasses of wine, three slapping fights between Duo and Wufei, five "Omae o korosu's", and six attempts to catch the tipping tree, only four of which were successful. 

Afterwards, they stood around high-fiving and fist bumping amidst a giant pile of boxes and newspaper scraps. 

"Bitchin'," Duo commented, nodding proudly. 

"It re - _hic!_ \- really shouldn't have taken that long with all of us here." Quatre observed.

"Yeah, but we're pretty tanked right now, Quat. Especially you. That might account for - for...what were we talking about?" Duo asked no one in particular. 

Quatre jumped up and hobbled over to the pile of gifts. Relena followed suit and together they passed them out, though Trowa did help his husband since he seemed to be having some difficulty reading the tags. By the time they finished, the living room carpet was completely covered with an assortment of Christmas wrap, bows, and packaging.

"Wow, this was great, guys. Thank you!" Duo was seated on the floor surrounded by scraps of snowman and Santa wrapping paper. A hardhat with two cup holders was perched on his head. A can of beer lodged in each holder and two straws hung down on either side of his face. Every so often, he popped one, or both, into his mouth. 

"You're welcome." Quatre was flushed with wine and cheer, a giant blue bow stuck to the top of his head.

"Okay, so now what," Hilde asked, plopping down on the couch with her wine.

"Poker!" 

Everyone groaned. 

"Really, Maxwell. Don't you have any imagination?"

"...Strip poker?"

A collective " _NO!_ " resounded through the living room.

"Man, I need to win my money back from Quat. That still smarts." The blond smirked drunkenly. 

"You're not gambling any more money away, Duo," Hilde said. She was reclined on the sofa, feet resting on the arm. "You've already cost us five hundred credits just to bail you out of jail and another five thousand to get your truck and trailer back. Speaking of which, why does it cost more to bail a truck out than it does a person?" No one had an answer for that.

"I could win that money back tonight," Duo argued. Hilde glared. "...Or not."

"So what are the stakes?" Sally asked. She sat in the corner, legs crossed, nursing her wine. Wufei relaxed beside her, a hand on her thigh. 

Duo assumed a thinking pose. "Aha!" He bounced up and ran down the stairs. 

"No good can come from this." Wufei groaned. 

A few seconds later, Duo returned with a cluster of greenery in his hand, tied in a red bow. 

"That'd better not be what I think it is." Heero warned.

"Oh, it's mish - mish -"

"Mistletoe," Trowa helped his inebriated husband. 

"Ahahaha! You okay, Quat?" The blond gave a bleary thumbs up. 

"Maxwell, no. No way. This is why we don't follow your ideas. Because they're terrible." 

"I'm game," Sally announced. She hopped up from her chair and stepped over to the couch, moving Hilde's legs out of the way so she could sit. Hilde dropped her feet into Sally's lap. Wufei threw his hands up and emptied his wine glass.

"This is a really bad idea."

"Chill out, Chang. No one's forcing you to play." 

"I wanna p - _hic!_ \- play."

"Uh, no. Not happening, love."

Quatre pouted, turning giant watery eyes on his husband. "Why not?"

"'Cause your man don't want anyone kissy-kissin' you except him." Duo informed the blond. 

"Ish 'at true, Trowa?"

Trowa pulled his husband onto his lap. "Yes." 

" _Awww!_ I love you, Trowa." Quatre clung and nuzzled him like a baby koala.

"Love you, too, babe. Now be quiet and sleep. You're going to be hungover as hell tomorrow and I don't want to have to deal with your bitchiness. 

"M' not bitchy..." the blond slurred, but his eyes closed drowsily, resting his head on Trowa's shoulder.

Trowa looked up to see everyone staring at them with an equal blend of heart eyes and nausea. "What?"

The group startled out of their trance. 

"Nothin'."

"Nope."

"We're good."

"I didn't say anything."

 

 

 


	7. Epilogue

An hour later, an outraged shout echoed through the house.

"No. Way. I'm not kissing you, Maxwell. Absolutely not. I'd rather cut my own lips off. I'd rather - I'd rather -"

"C'mon, Fei-Man. Don't knock it till you try it." Duo waggled his eyebrows, holding the mistletoe over his head. He puckered his lips, making exaggerated smoochy noises. Wufei suppressed his gag reflex with superhuman willpower.

_"Duo and Wufei, sittin' in a tree, k-i-s-s-"_

"Hey, no encouragement from the peanut gallery. There will be no sittin' in trees and certainly no k-i-s-s-i-n-g. I'm not doing it." He crossed his arms and stuck his nose in the air. 

"A bet is a bet Wufei." Heero reminded him. 

"No."

"C'mon, Chang. Heero did it."

The Japanese man nodded. "It wasn't that bad."

"Gee, thanks, Yuy." 

Janice chimed in. "Even Howard did it."

Wufei shuddered. "No."

"Wufei."

"No."

" _Wuuuufei._.."

"No."

"Okay, guess you're chickening out then." Duo taunted in a sing-song voice. 

Wufei's hair literally stood on end as the barb hit home. He turned slowly, a murderous look on his face. "You tell no one about this.  _No one_."

"Of course."

"I mean it, Maxwell. So help me if you, if  _any_  of you blab -"

"Relax, Wufei. What happens here, stays here."

"I reserve full rights to strangle all of you if this gets out."

They all nodded agreeably. Duo held up three fingers in a 'Scout's Honor' gesture. Quatre snored and hummed in his sleep. 

"Okay. Let's get this over with."

Wufei leaned forward in his chair, lips pursed. His face took on a sour expression, as if he'd just eaten a lemon. Duo leaned into the Chinese man's personal space, still holding the mistletoe over his head, and pressed their lips together. Heero counted three seconds and Wufei sprung back. He made a show of wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve.

"Geez, Chang. I don't have cooties, y'know." Duo grumbled.

"No, I don't know - what is so funny?"

Sally was draped over the arm of the couch laughing her ass off. She waved her hand, shoulders shaking. "I'm sorry. That had to be the funniest thing I've ever seen." 

Wufei grumbled, "Yeah, yeah. Laugh it up." He shuffled over to the couch and sunk down next to Sally. She snickered, but smoothed it over with a kiss, successfully melting away a little of his scowl.

"Okay, I'm going to get this one to bed." Trowa lifted his passed out husband into his arms.

"Now, don't be taking advantage of my little buddy, there, Tro," Duo called out. He was methodically picking apart the little green leaves of mistletoe, his beer hat tipped precariously on his head. Trowa kicked him and headed up with the intoxicated blond. 

"I think we're going to call it a night, too. It's late." Howard announced. 

You ol' fuddy duddy," Duo teased. He walked Howard and Janice out, hugging them goodbye. He stood for a few minutes, waving at the disappearing tail lights of Howard's ramshackle pickup.

The others called it, too. Wufei and Sally climbed the stairs to the other guest room while Heero and Relena departed to Duo and Hilde's room for the night. Of course, no night would have been complete without Duo telling Heero no "hanky-panky" on his bed and Heero trying to throttle him. 

Duo and Hilde fixed up their makeshift beds on the sofas and climbed under the blankets after a goodnight kiss. 

"Did you enjoy yourself, love?"

Duo smiled at her in the dim light of the living room. "I did. And thank you."

"For what, hon?"

"For being such a wonderful, understanding wife."

Hilde reached out for his hand and he grasped it, twining their fingers. "Someone has to keep you out of trouble."

_End._

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Holidays!


End file.
